Where's the Ice Machine?

Most visitors to Thailand are going to be arriving at one of Bangkok’s two large international airports. After spending a few days in the capital you’ll probably want to see some of the country’s famous beaches. Pattaya is pretty famous indeed, but not because its beaches are luxurious or alluring. It’s the whores. The town is as nasty as an over-ripe durian.

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Pattaya’s Naughty Reputation

After seeing the red light districts in Bangkok and thinking there was really not much to them I kind of expected the same from Pattaya. After all, sex for sale is pretty prevalent throughout Thailand. A beer bar is a beer bar, right? Even after looking at some videos on YouTube it is easy to assume that it’s just the Walking Street, and you can go there if you want to and skip it if you don’t.

Uh-uh. Nope. Prostitution is to Pattaya what cars are to Detroit. It’s a company town and the company is Whores, Incorporated. The beer bars are everywhere. Many of them are open-air, so you are in their atmosphere just by nature of walking around. But it isn’t just the Walking Street or Soi 6 or all the beer bars in between. There’s also about a zillion massage shops with women calling out to you constantly. If you are on the beach road at night you’ll see freelance girls lined up along the sand every ten or fifteen feet from the start of Walking Street all the way up past Central Mall.

This is the place to come if you are really after cavorting with Thai women. If you’re not, or if you are only mildly interested in that you are better off at some other beach. This one is the domain of a certain type of denizen; think of a veteran of the British army, in his 60’s with the leathery over-sunned skin, gin blossom nose and paunch belly. These guys sit around here all day sucking down bottles of Chang, playing darts and betting on soccer. And of course screwing girls 40 years younger for 30 quid.

Pattaya’s Upside

For the typical tourist there’s really not a lot of upside here. The beach itself is not impressive at all. To make the most of a stay here you’re going to want to hire a boat of some sort, and get out to tour Coral Island, the Phi Phi Islands, or Koh Larn.

Just hanging around Pattaya Beach is going to be underwhelming. The sand is grainy and pebble-y the way that playground sand is. The sea is just a bight of bay, without any surf or postcard-perfect cliffs and islands. A large collection of chairs and umbrellas for rent are all pushed together into one big makeshift cabana. During my visit the beach was virtually abandoned, with very few other visitors out on the sand.

I did enjoy my stay at the April Suites with its fantastic rooftop pool. (Check current rates.) If Pattaya has an advantage over Bangkok it is probably that even modest hotels are trying to impress with their swimming pools. Of course the biggest upside is the proximity to Bangkok, with frequent bus service between the two cities that you can book online for only a few dollars. The buses (and cabs) also run to both of Bangkok’s airports. If you want to end your trip at the beach without making a separate round trip flight from the city Pattaya is very easy to reach. You could even pop down for a single day/night just to check it off your list.

What to Eat, Where to Stay and How Long?

I did not find the food options in Pattaya to be as interesting as what is available in Bangkok. The amount of street food is a lot less. Many of the restaurants around the city cater to English and European expats and feature British food which is not terribly appealing. There are a lot of Indian restaurants in Pattaya, of varying quality. Count on trying at least a few of those.

One option that will not fail you, especially if you are traveling with a family, is the basement level of the Central Mall. There is a grocery store down there and a very large food court with dozens of options. It is almost a disservice to call it a food court because it is so large. A food bazaar? Food hall? At any rate it is all sorts of cuisines and this is also the best place to score coffee in the mornings with a Starbucks and a few other options on site.

The Central Mall is of course central, which is another good reason to stay nearby. The mall itself is on the beach but if your hotel isn’t on the first or second street from the water I wouldn’t worry about it too much. The city is easy to walk around and there are not a lot of hotels that are actually very far from the beach, which again, is not that impressive. All of the hotels here are surprisingly nice considering that many have room rates in the range of $15-25 US.

Two nights in Pattaya will be plenty for most visitors. Add a third if you must but any more than that will be a little too much in the city of 1000 beer bars.